Do not be alarmed! I am not discussing the methods to make financial arrangements for a dissolving marriage! Any person involved in home-centered elder care can verify that it affects all family members at various degrees – including spouses.
When I first ventured into my full-time caregiving role, my default setting was to take care of anyone unable to fend for themselves. Simply put, the kids, my mom and the dog got my full attention. Unfortunately, since Hubby was capable of taking care of himself, he was on the back burner at times.
While I was in the midst of my mom’s care, I could not see what was happening. Now that I have a little breathing room, I recognize this great, big “faux-pas” and offer these suggestions to prevent the same mistake from happening to you:
Keep the communication lines open. Taking care of an elderly parent is a fluid situation at best and it is vital to keep your partner in the loop. Make sure you have all elements of communication at your fingertips such as calendars, text messaging, email and tons of sticky notes!
Make “together” times a priority. It is a sad fact that long, beautiful vacations may not be in the cards for full time caregivers but you must make sure that you establish some alone time with your spouse. I was very grateful that my kidlets were old enough to “hang out” while Hubby and I could go on weekly dates. Just a simple dinner and movie moment kept us connected in the midst of our challenges.
Express gratitude often. I did not practice this as much as it was deserved, but I encourage you to keep your eyes peeled for “thankful” opportunities. Take notice when your spouse jumps in to help and maybe send an e-card to show your gratitude.
Stay focused on unity. One thing I remember from the caregiving trenches is that Hubby and I constantly reminded each other that we were partners in this activity. I am so thankful that when the going got tough, my husband often let me know that he was right there with me!
Caregiving is most definitely a team endeavor and making sure your team is fully connected and grounded is your first step to success!
xoxo Paula
How do you stay connected with your spouse while carrying out your Sandwich Generation responsibilities?
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Together time with hubby and kids both was hard to come by. Especially when mom lived with us for 9 months due to hip replacement surgery. A total of 3 surgeries in that many months. Her ‘room’ was basically in our dining room and she was unable to get up and around without a lot of help. At one point I was so tired and stressed I could not even get sleep. Even though I had 2 sisters nearby calls to them to help me were in vain. My husband was my rock. His constant sense of humor and his picking and playing with mom giving me even 5 minutes to just breathe. The fact that he loved my mom as his own didn’t hurt either.
Angel recently posted..I’m Over it now..
Oh my word Angel, you really have your hands full. I am so thankful that you have a strong partner to help you and hope you will carve out som more hubby time!
What a great post! I am sure that the spouse does get forgotten so often—it is just natural, like you said you were taking care of those who needed the help. Marriage is such a complex relationship and I am sure not all would make it through a caregiving situation like you have been through. Good for both of you for realizing all of the things that go into a situation like this and thank you for the tips that will help others!!!
Beth Ann Chiles recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Thanks Beth Ann. I am sure there are many strained relationships in caregiver homes. Hoping people learn from my mistakes!
I was kinda lucky in that regard because the hubs worked long, crazy hours so I was almost always able to fit caregiving into those blocks of time.
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell recently posted..A Night of Debauchery – WW
Sometimes that is the best way to go. That way spouses are not feeling slighted and you could have more focused time when they are home.